Saturday, February 21, 2009

a journal entry i wrote today that ended up becoming a short essay on fidelity

I promise to stop blogging journal entries so much.

{because I've been asked three times in one day, I would like to clarify that 'German' is not Zac German. he is a man from columbia who's names is pronounced more like 'Herman' that is of no relation or significance to the literary world}


I’ve been thinking a lot lately about fidelity. What brought this about was a text I received from German. On Valentines Day I texted him “Do you have a girlfriend?” Two days later he responded with “Yes I do.” I told him not to contact me anymore. I’ve been talking to people about this a lot the past week, because it hurt me, and the responses I’ve been getting, although varied in syntax all seem to express a certain damnation of my promiscuity. Surprisingly from people who have in the past expressed admiration of my behavior, support, or at the least indifference. The only person I have talked to about the situation that responded in a comforting way was Tao, who simply said, “There will be others.”

I keep it no secret to people who engage me in conversation that I don’t believe in the act of fidelity in any way. I feel it to be a betrayal of one’s self and honesty. I am amazed that even upon a long winded elaboration of the concept, many people only garner that it is in the interest of promiscuity. I feel that I am faced with many reasons to reject this social structure but still have yet to hear a compelling reason to adhere to it. Even people who in the past have acted as I do, and have expressed agreement to me have recently receded those feelings, now that they are in a relationship. But what I see is those people struggling with fidelity. The closest I’ve come to a good reason to support fidelity is the protection of jealousy. The problem is that I’ve never seen this work in practice. People often make romanticized explanations of “saving themselves for their lover” or some sort of gifting of their body in a sole way to express love for someone. ****** recently argued that this was in no way an expression of “body ownership politics.” I had a hard time believing her. Even ****** who is forever analytical started using vague abstractions and romantic language. Nothing made sense to me, making it unarguable.

There are some trends that I have noticed that I think are important to note. First, it seems that the people who gain the most from my beliefs in an open sexual environment are the first to be judgmental of it. What I mean is that the harshest critisms have been coming from a) the friends of mine who love to hear about my sexual exploits. For now lets call them they voyeurs. I don’t mean that in a cruel way. I myself enjoy exchanges with people who seem to live a little vicariously through what I tell them. I like to talk and write about the sex I have as a way to relive it and also, it helps me to analyze situations. For me it is a mutually positive relationship. Unfortunately these are some of the first people to over simplify my occasional unhappiness with the situation. Like people in relationships often are, I from time to time am unsatisfied with the outcome of an affair in an emotional way. Often it is pointed out to me with the tone of “you get what you pay for.” I find this offensive but often I don’t like to argue that with people, because it will become a long winded diatribe, that will no doubt put both of us in a bad mood. There is another group of people who are often harsh in their opinions who are b) the people I have sex with. Just a few days ago I was lamenting to a man that I have been sleeping with in a casual way for over a year now about German. He proceeded to tell me that I attract people who need to “blow off steam” because of my frankness and how quickly I sleep with them. I became very angry with this person and refused to speak to him for a few days. I got many apologies and a load of sweet things my way from him. I agreed to see him that week. We watched a movie and laid on the couch together. Eventually we went to bed because I said it was okay for him to sleep over. He then got very aggressive with me and we had sex. It was nice. However, it was a little funny in retrospect what had transpired over the previous few days. This happens often with my male lovers. First a wave of critism, then when I revoke my kindness and friendship to them they suddenly want to have sex and will say anything to make things better and mend the relationship. I think that most times this is motivated by jealousy.

The other trend I have noticed is that the people who are the least likely to practice safe sex are the ones that are “cheating” on their significant lovers. This something that one might not believe, but I’ve been doing the field work and have found that only those who are being dishonest with themselves, their lovers, or me are the ones who want to have sex without a condom.

I haven’t felt possessive and jealous in a very long time. Often I feel frustrated with the dishonesty of people, like German. But everyone I see also see other people. Arguably the least kind and friendly lover I’ve had in some time, ****, has treated me with the most respect and has never hurt my feelings in anyway, because of his honesty with me. He has never hid his intentions and always tells me if he needs to take time off from sleeping together and generally being in touch because he is trying to take another relationship seriously. When these stints are over I am always around when he wants me because I never have any bitter feelings, and also, I just love having sex with him.

I’ve been going over an analogy in my head lately about my sexual transgressions. I feel like having sex to me, is a lot like eating food. The desire to do it is instinct. It cannot be smothered. Even animals who have been nutuerd hump objects. Now, people are sometimes saying things to me like “what do you see in him/her?” Nicole hates many of my lovers because she does not like them on a friendly or cerebral level. I see it as this; There are days I want a very expensive meal, organic vegan food, caviar, and home cooked dinners passed down from older generations. But there are also days that I want to eat chips and salsa, french fries, doughnuts, coffee with too much sugar, jolly ranchers, etc. I know I am over simplifying here but it is to make a point. People who over romanticize their food are called yuppies. They annoy people. But even the most liberal minded people I know romanticize what I see as just another bodily function. The candy I eat is always wrapped, and the same goes for the sex I have.


appleoftheearth said...

you can only influence by the example you lead. there is no convincing people of anything they don't already believe.

this is a good essay on fidelity, kendra.

Jason Gusmann said...

bob dylan's famous line ("to live outside the law you must be honest") applies to moral laws as well, especially self-imposed ones. brave work.

pr said...

This woman may be a good resource of support for your lifestyle. I worship her- she is very smart. I read with her the other night. Her brain and heart are huge.

I enjoyed reading this. I particularly liked the part where you explained that you are occasionally unhappy with things, just like anyone else. That's not your lifestyle, that's life.

That said, I think you are 30 or so? Even younger? And it is possible that at some time, you may change. Or you may not. Many people, like Susie, have open relationships or many lovers. When I was in my early twenties, I had lots of men in my life at the same time and loved it. Now, I've been married for almost fifteen years and we love it. Love our life, have great sex, can lean on each other for eveything. We want to grow old together, see the world at each others' sides. Someday, things could be different. To me, it's all about taking responsibility for our own joy.

Anyway, good work.

signine said...

fidelity and romantic bullshit aside, i am in brooklyn and need a skee ball buddy and no longer have you digits damn you.

DOGZPLOT said...

"First a wave of critism, then when I revoke my kindness and friendship to them they suddenly want to have sex and will say anything to make things better and mend the relationship. I think that most times this is motivated by jealousy."

i like this part a lot.

BlogSloth said...

I heart u KGM. Is my take (a little drunk)

But I have read all SDB journals (man, she has a TON!)

And read all AN journals.

And I wish I had slept with Duras, oh Duras...

So, rock on.

'd love to buy you a light yet succulent beer one day.

Until then,

rock on.