Thursday, May 22, 2008

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Choads Are Beautiful

Chris Killen did a feature on his blog about choads.

There is a gchat between me and Tao Tao in the feature, that is the 'definitive choad gchat' or whatever. Tao and I also wrote poems from selected lines in this particular gchat. Here is mine. Tao wrote one too.

nine known varieties of choads found in nature

supreme choad deluxe (the original, the king, no, the dutchess)
female choads
supreme king and queen choad (tao lin and kendra grant malone)
miniature choads
emotionally ticklish choad
unfunny choads (tao lin and zachary german also known as the opposite of hilarious choads)
choad restaurant (neutral meals)
choad a la cart
a very big choad, many inches long and wide (elephantitis also known as chris killen)


this is my new vibrator. i have never owned one before. it is choad-like. this is good because it fits nicely in my asshole (that is zachary german's shoe). i have used it 12 times since i recieved it at 10pm last night.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Second Favorite Girl In Brooklyn (part V)

Julia came home at six in the morning. She quietly walked to her bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. She looked at the walls, and then spent an indefinite amount of looking at small objects lying about on shelves and her desk. Julia took speed ten hours previous to arriving home. Her face felt hot. She held her jaw, which was swollen and sore on the right side. Julia lay on her back and began to weep.

She closed her eyes for a moment. Sleep was not coming. Julia looked down at her stomach and saw her heart beat near her belly button. The train ride home was over an hour long and the entire time she told herself repeatedly that things would feel better when she was home. Things were not better. They were worse.

Julia called Robert.

“Hey,” she sobbed, “will you come over?”

Robert sounded sleepy.

“Yeah, one sec babe.”

Robert hung up. Julia walked to the kitchen and lit a cigarette. She began to sob again. She could scarcely touch her back to the chair because of the extensive bruising. She hunched over, protectively, holding her cigarette, but not smoking, until Robert arrived.

Julia stared. She stared and thought about when she was young and used to lay on her back and stare up at the leaves of the very giant oak tree in the backyard in Minnesota. In her mind she saw those leaves look almost translucent and shiny. She saw them sway. Julia kept her mind off how horrific things could be by thinking of the oak leaves. Robert would be over soon, and he would hug her while she cried, and he wouldn’t enquire about details, like where a significant chunk of her hair had gone, or why there was dried blood on her fingertips. She could sob and feel safe with Robert. Soon enough.

Oh my love, my little love!

I spend all day with my little lover Nicole. Mostly because we are roommates as well. We've been a little camera happy lately. These are some nice examples of what it is like to be in love with a little Italian woman in a colorful apartment in the ghetto.

I was on the phone with my father the other day, and when I looked up Nicole was making mad scribbles in her sketch book.

This is what I saw while I was talking on the phone to pops.

This is what she did in a few minutes of observation. She's making a painting of it later.

kiiiiiiiiiii-tiiiiiies (notice delores' hateful expression)

Nicole got her first tattoo. This is also where I like to rest my head when I'm sad.

I have developed this habit of immediately walking to the futon after a shower and falling asleep while sitting up.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Perhaps I Was A Bit Too Testy

Dear Mr. The Golden Bear,

Apologies. I got some of that sweetness you like with your name on it.

Love Always,

Kendra Grant Malone

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Retarded Cat

My internet works in my apartment again. Tonight after reading every blog in the world and catching up on weeks of celebrity gossip something really profound occurred to me; I have never google video searched "retarded cat."

Mascara is streaming down my face. I think I just watched this 30 times.

Monday, May 05, 2008

The Third Day

when you drink
for two days straight
your hangover becomes
something other than
a hangover

on the third day
you wake up very early
and drink a lot of water
there is no headache
no nausea

you feel incredibly anxious
there is a
around you
it feels a little
like despair

your stomach feels
hollow and transparent
even after
your force yourself to eat

you take your anxiety
and flop around your bed
for most
of the day

your limbs feel lucid
like you are swimming
but are not enjoying it
like someone is forcing you
to swim
and watching you do badly

memories resurface
ones you don't want to resurface
like all the people you called
in the last two days
and the one time
five boys
fucked you in the shower
while you were mostly passed out
because of shitty
cut cocaine

you read your friend's book
and wonder
why someone so brilliant
hangs out with you so much
but then you think about
the fort you build with him

you build the fort for
and together
you survive inside of it

you read your friend's book
laying the wrong way on the bed
and focus all your attention
away from your cat
that is too hyper
for you to deal with
on the third day

for three or four hours
you move your
head around
on the pillow looking for cool spots
to rest your eye on

you think about
that one boyfriend
who broke up with you
a couple of years ago
because he said he felt
like he was fucking
someone's little sister

and you look at your wrist
at the tattoo that says
little sister
and you laugh a little

then you go on the balcony
sit in the sun and smoke
you alternate between very sad
and very happy songs on your
to avoid feeling too strongly
about anything

it's alright, it's okay

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Second Favorite Girl In Brooklyn (part whatever)

Julia and Robert sat on the steps of the bar that Robert was to be reading at in about an hour. Robert had his computer on his lap and was checking his email, which he checks around 87 times a day. Robert gets very anxious if he cannot check his email for even a small period of time.

Julia was on the phone with John. She was wearing a vintage dress that felt a little too tight, but flattered her figure in a nice way and made her feel confident. Her hair was braided and pinned up in a old fashioned way; a crown of braids encircled her head and soft curls formed at the sides even though she had spent a long time straightening it earlier to avoid this.

“uh huh . . . yeah . . . no, I understand . . . I get it . . . alright . . . uh huh . . . okay bye,” Julia said quietly, because she was quite embarrassed.

Robert put his hand on Julia’s shoulders while she listened to what she had listened to a few times before from other people. He pushed his hand gently back and fourth over her neck and shoulder blades while her eyes welled up. It happened frequently, but Julia was always very touched when Robert showed her he cared for her. She sniffled and hung up the phone quickly, not wanting to hear any more explanation about “timing.”

“I’m sorry baby,” Robert said.

“Oh shit. It’s fine. We both saw it coming, ya know? So it’s fine, yeah its fine.”

Julia put her head in her knees while Robert rubbed her shoulders some more. A few minutes later Joe arrived, because he was also reading. Julia felt relief because she didn’t feel like talking to anyone just then, and Joe does not do a lot of talking. Joe made a funny face and smiled at Julia. She leapt and fled down the steps to Joe, stopped just before him, and petted his head. He flinched a little, but corrected his instincts and allowed Julia to greet him how she usually does. Robert came down and they walked down the street together.

“I’m on the prowl tonight, I’m going to fuck someone,” Julia told Robert and Joe.

“Why?” Joe said. He sounded irritated with Julia.

“My self-esteem is bad right now. It will make me feel better.”

Joe and Robert wanted to stop in the organic co-op that they walked by. Julia was smoking and stayed outside. As the door shut behind Robert, Julia began to cry uncontrollably. It was not dramatic with sobs and heaving. Her eyes welled quickly and tears were pouring down her face. An old woman with an old poodle walked by and asked if she was okay. Julia nodded and wiped her tears. She touched her scarf to her eyes to be sure that her mascara had not run and that there would be no visible traces of her unfortunate state.

As they walked back down the block they passed a small dark bar. Julia could feel another wave of tears swelling so she quickly said good-bye to Joe and Robert and fled to the little cave that seemed comforting. When she ordered a glass of wine at the bar, she sounded like an idiot, she was sure. She didn’t have it in her to flirt and be charismatic but she tried out of habit anyways. Julia moved to a tiny table in the corner and faced away from the room so she could cry unashamed. It was not often Julia had the urge to weep like this so she wanted badly to indulge in it. She felt extreme, sitting at the table quietly weeping. She hated the idea of Joe and Robert seeing her look so pathetic, being that she tends to think of them like uncontrollable little brothers, especially when together. The relief of being alone made her despair seem endless. Julia drank her wine and was resided to being overly emotional and indulgent for just a few more minutes. She stared at the wall and wiped her face occasionally with her pink scarf, which was now littered with snot and mascara marks.

Julia had a two-week love affair with John before he realized he was too busy for her. In the last year Julia had many two week love affairs, none of which she had ended herself. When she met John, Julia had decided to immediately indulge full force in his affections. Normally Julia tries to dissuade people from being too kind to her, but she had been feeling exhausted and weak when she met him and allowed him to dote an unreasonable amount. Julia touched her neck at the table and was very happy to find that for the first time in many days she had not worn the necklace John had given her. Julia was going to take it off if it was indeed there, but since it wasn’t she used her fingertips to feel the jutting outline of her collar bone.

Amanda sat at Julia’s table. Julia was still weeping and hadn’t seen Amanda come in. She looked at Amanda, startled and embarrassed. Amanda had a beautiful soft face and lots of curly brown hair hanging all over it. She was small and Julia had decided she liked Amanda since the first time she met her a few months ago. There was something child-like about the way Amanda moved and talked and it made Julia have irrationally tender feelings for her. Julia wanted everyone she knew to be her little siblings. She thought about babysitting all of her friends and them all adoring her the way children adore a babysitter that was more fun than their parents.

“Joe told me you were sad,” Amanda said.

Julia tried to respond. What was formerly weeping turned into ugly guttural sobs while Julia desperately tried to compose herself to explain that it wasn’t really a big deal, she was just being indulgent. She failed horribly, but Amanda seemed to pick up fragments of what she was saying and occasionally interjected something comforting. Julia slowly felt more and more calm. Soon she was not crying. The two women talked about burning boxes of ex-boyfriends and future ex-husbands gifts and agreed that burning gifts is a right reserved for sixteen year old girls and middle aged divorcees. Julia told Amanda about someone who was going to be at the reading later whom she wanted to fuck. Amanda was supportive of this. They both knew Julia did not have the heart to be aggressive with a man that evening. It was very obvious that she was not going to have sex with anyone. However, they agreed that sleeping around could be good for your self-esteem.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

I'm A Stupid Sucker Don't Be Nice To Me Please It feels Good

Drink all day every day.

You can't bite your own head.