Monday, March 31, 2008

Bright Pink Powder

"Do you have any antihistamines?" Janet asked me.

"No," I said.

Janet reached for her purse and pulled out a large container of antihistamine.

"Why did you ask me for antihistamine if you already had so much of it?"

"I wanted to take your antihistamine."

"Why? I don't even take them."

Janet turned away from me. She took a small razor and a mirror out of her purse as well. She proceeded to chop up the antihistamine, the way one would chop up an eight ball of cocaine. She laid out two neat rails on the mirror.

"Do you have a hundred dollar bill?" She asked me.

"No"

"I knew you wouldn't."

Janet seemed disappointed in me. She took out a five dollar bill, rolled it up and snorted the antihistamine. There was bright pink powder on her nose. She lit a cigarette and wrote and email.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Toilet Paper Kimono

I was starting at Janet. Janet was staring at me. Janet held her hands in the form of a gun, cocked it, and pretend shot herself in the mouth. She jerked back in her chair and flailed around for a while. She laid, sprawled on her chair, with her tongue hanging out of her mouth, like she was dead. My boss was staring at Janet too.

"Janet, how is the Broadband Production Book going?" he asked her.

Janet jerked in her chair like she was having post mortem seizures. My boss cleared his throat loudly.

"Janet!" he yelled.

Janet twitched again.

"Toilet paper kimono," she said, still playing dead.

I stared at my boss. He stared at me. My boss made his hands into the form of a gun, cocked it, and pretended to shoot Janet.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I Want To Die Like Alot

Not What They Used To Be

I could see in my periphery that Janet was watching porn at her desk this morning. The boss was out and it was just her and I in the office. Janet was making weird noises. I turned to look at her- it seemed like she was trying to get my attention.

"Fuck, what is that?" I asked.

"Bestiality websites are not what they used to be," she said.

"Why are you watching that?"

"I'm decompressing."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I was just up really late."

"Doing what?"

"Working on explosives."

There was something really horrible happening on her screen.

"I love you," Janet said.

"I have to go to the bathroom," I said.

Monday, March 24, 2008

I Love Life


(photo by my big sis, Ali Malone)

This picture accurately illustrates my love for life.

Love life.

One love.

{p.s. I'm in a Masonic Temple}

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Second Favorite Girl In Brooklyn (part III)

“Do you ever get sick of people?” Julia asked Joe.

“Mmmm. I don’t know.”

“I can’t stand anyone for more than a day or two in a row,” Julia said. “I feel like a bad person.”

Joe sat on his bed with Julia, typing on his computer. They sat silent for a while. Julia felt okay about everything momentarily.

“I don’t have any friends from more than a year ago,” Joe said.

It was silent again. Julia and Joe rarely acknowledged what each other said. They both seemed to feel okay about it.

“Except for the internet,” Joe added.

Julia pushed her face into the bed. She curled into fetal position next to Joe. Julia felt a wave of nervousness while she thought about what Joe just said and what it inevitably meant. In a year Julia still wanted to be friends with Joe. She felt very tenderly towards Joe. Julia felt her throat swell a little as she thought about Joe being sick of her friendship. Julia thought about how it is pointless to try and break people of their social habits and thought also that she should in some way emotionally prepare to be disliked by Joe within the year.

“my friends are assholes,” Julia thought.

Julia had developed feelings about Joe that were very similar to both her best friend in the Midwest and her retarded brother. Julia had a strong feeling of protective platonic love for Joe. She recently had a sex dream about Joe, that was not particularly alarming or worrisome. Julia had wondered if Joe had ever had a sex dream about her, although it was “neither here nor there” as Julia saw it.

As Julia and Joe sat on his bed, people kept poking their heads into Joe’s bedroom and making asinine conversation. A comment would be said and when Julia and Joe stared at the head without saying anything the head would disappear. After the door had shut Joe and Julia would glance very briefly at each other and laugh. This happened a few times in the evening before Julia decided she should stop ignoring her lover, Connor, who was in the living room with a small group of people, who were waiting for her to watch the movie she demanded they watch.

“I’m going to watch the movie now,” Julia said.

Joe nodded.

“Can I read your personal add when you are finished?” she asked.

“I stopped writing it. I didn’t know what to say.”

“It’s hard to know what you want. Well, goodnight then Joe.”

“Mmmm. Goodnight.”

Julia walked to the door. She did this very slowly, because she did not want to leave Joe’s room at all. She wanted to continue to lie on his bed and watch him type or stare at the walls while Joe played a mix CD of his favorite songs. While she walked to the door Julia thought about lying in Joe’s bed and listening to those songs and wondering if they sounded good because they reminded her of her first boyfriend who she missed only in theory, or if they sounded good because she knew that Joe loved them, or if they sounded good because they were nice songs.

Julia left the room.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Second Favorite Girl In Brooklyn (part II)

Julia awoke listless. Her reasoning for getting out of bed at all was that in a day a lover of hers was coming from Massachusetts to see her. Books were scattered about the floor, her clothes needed cleaning, the litter box needed changing and there were many cum stains on her comforter that needed to be taken care of. Julia got out of bed at a more reasonable hour than usual to take care of these things, so as not to make a bad impression on her lover.

While folding laundry on her bed, Julia looked at the two sleeping cats buried in the heaps of clothes and was momentarily overcome with tenderness. She leaned forward and kissed them each on the head and in turn they each shut and opened their eyes very slowly at her.

“the cat equivalent of blowing a kiss,” Julia thought.

Julia’s phone rang in the other room. She did not hurry to answer it. She looked at the screen to identify the caller. Julia does not answer unknown or private calls. It was Robert. Julia had not heard from him in nearly a week.

“What up boo?”

“Not much, just walking home from work,” Robert said.

Julia discretely turned up the volume on her phone, as if Robert could see her and would be subsequently offended. Robert was a very soft-spoken boy.

“Do you want to come over and watch the Simpsons?” Robert asked.

“Yeah. I’m so glad you called. I’m bored and lonely. I’ll be over in a minute.”

“No, I am walking from Halsey, so . . . uh don’t leave right now.”

“Okay, I’ll do my hair.”

Robert hung up.

Julia busied herself for about 10 min by changing into something clean and more flattering, then fixing her hair and make up. Robert had sounded very slightly upset on the phone. Julia had a sense he was going to be a bit cranky with her, and maybe more so as the day went on. Most of Julia’s immediate family was bi-polar, and she had a sociopathic brother, so determining people’s moods was a talent of hers. She could easily predict how people were going to feel for several hours after she heard them say only one sentence. Julia was secretly very proud of this skill, but felt uncomfortable telling anyone about it.

It was a four-block walk to Robert’s house. A few weeks prior Julia had helped Robert apartment hunt for no good reason other than she had nothing to do that day and they had slept at Joe’s house the previous night after a party. Robert slept on the couch and Julia in Joe’s very small bed. Julia had been surprised Joe did not make her sleep on the floor. Once or twice in the night, Joe had slapped Julia for snoring. In the morning Julia intended to go home when Joe went to the library to work on his novel, but a small and uninteresting chain of events led her to spend the day with her new friend Robert, looking at places to live. Julia was excited and relieved when Robert decided to move into her neighborhood.

On Robert’s front stoop, Julia called Robert.

“Hey I’m here. Let me in.”

“Why didn’t you bring your keys?” Robert asked.

“I forgot them at home, they are on a different keychain.”

“Okay I’ll be down in a minute.”

Julia fixed her hair in the reflection as she waited for Robert to come down. He still sounded irritated and she thought looking nice might soften him a bit. Robert opened the door.

“Look, I brought you a present!”

Julia presented a screen-printed poster of the alphabet. Robert smiled and they went together up to his room, where they watched the Simpsons and drank smoothies. Robert talked on the phone to someone for 20 minutes and Julia felt bored and wanted to leave. She lied on his bed reading a small fanzine for Duran Duran. She was surprised to find out the drummer was quite the animal lover, but not a vegetarian.

A few hours passed this way before Julia and Robert went into the city to get pizza. Robert was vegan and Julia was on a budget so they needed to stop at two different places to get slices of pizza for each of them. It was tedious, and Robert’s mood was indeed getting worse as the evening went on.

“I want to die. I want to kill myself,” Robert said over and over again.

“No you don’t, stop saying that.”

“Yes I do.”

“If you want, I will push you down the stairs. I will kill you if you want to die. I would rather have to kill you then let you kill yourself,” Julia said very seriously.

“Thank you I think.”

Robert pet Julia’s head as they walked down the subway stairs. Julia was not sure if Robert realized that she had meant what she said. Julia got off the train first, to meet Joe for a movie. As she got off, she looked back at Robert and realized he did indeed look very sad.

Julia sat for a 15 minutes reading Jane Eyre before Joe arrived at the movie theatre. She spent a few minutes in the bathroom fixing her hair and lipstick. She liked to look nice for Joe. She could see in Joe’s expressions that he also appreciated when she made attempts to look nice for him. Julia was sure that they both felt very good about this unspoken interaction.

After the movie, Joe and Julia walked to different trains. When it was time to split directions, they stood on a corner and talked for some time about many things. They were honest and candid with each other. Julia wanted to pick up Joe and carry him around, but instead they talked and said goodnight and parted. As she walked away from Joe, Julia felt calm.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

i am drinking alone in my kitchen right now

my fingers are wrinkled from washing dishes.

i do this every night, just about.

my cats are spooning each other on the couch.

what do you call an anxiety attack that lasts for more than six hours?

someone please come over and spoon me to sleep.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Sensory Overload fun fun fun Yay Happy!

This is a fun website. <------------------

What's that? You require more fun? Okay!

Alaska.

Heart Attack.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Second Favorite Girl In Brooklyn

Julia stood scanning the room, looking for her friend, whom she momentarily misplaced.

“Hey! Robert! Hey. How are you?”

“Good. You?”

Robert made a hilarious face. Julia laughed for a bit at the face.

“I did a ton of coke this weekend.”

Robert did not approve of this behavior, Julia knew as soon as she said it. As they talked at the bar, Julia thought to herself “people like you better when you are just nice. just be nice.”

Julia thought about going home and slitting her wrists. Not in a serious way, just to distract herself from the mounting anxiety of the evening. Julia has never been one to keep many friends. Generally, Julia prefers to be alone, with occasional lovers.

Robert told Julia all about his weekend. He spent it with a new friend name Evelyn. Evelyn was very pretty and closer to Robert’s age then Julia. Julia was a few years older than Robert.

“Yeah, I think you’re now my second favorite girl in Brooklyn.”

Julia faked a laugh and stared at the floor. The conversation continued.

“my friends are assholes,” Julia thought to herself.

“my friends are assholes,” Julia thought again.

“my friends are assholes, my friends are assholes,” Julia continued to think.

Julia looked at Robert’s face. It was young and sweet. Robert pet Julia on the arm with his elbow, because he did not feel like setting down his drink, but sensed he was being an asshole. Julia liked that Robert had been very affectionate with her since they very first met. Often Robert head butts Julia, and they can be seen stepping on each other’s toes at subway stations regularly.

“my friends are assholes,” Julia continued to think.

Julia had recently had a falling out with a girl friend. There had been some noticeable tenseness for a while, then one day there was a trivial argument about whether or not it was creepy that a mutual friend shaved his arm pits, which snowballed into the end of a short but very close friendship. Julia’s girl friend had a history of doing this to people close to her, she assumed it was going to happen to her as well eventually. Julia does not enjoy making a scene about things, so she let the friendship go without much of a fight. No fuss at all. Even still, Julia felt confused and rejected and often thought about texting her now ex friend, whom she missed a little. But the stress of dealing with another high maintenance relationship kept her from ever hitting ‘send.’

Robert and Julia greeted a few friends who were also at the bar. The two got up from their seats and found a table to sit at that was close to the stage, where a few poets were reading that night. They sat and talked and waited for their friend Joe. The reading started shortly. Joe had not arrived and Julia worried a bit that he might not be coming at all. Julia was very fond of Joe, but never really felt that he was fond of her. Their friendship was enjoyable for her, but she frequently questioned why he wanted to be friends with her.

Joe arrived and sat with Julia and Robert. Julia and Robert ate cashews and played footsie under the table. Joe sat close to Julia. She felt his arm against her arm. Julia subtly moved closer to Joe, pressing her warm arm into his a little more. Julia then put her leg up on Robert’s lap. Julia had a near constant craving for physical contact. Many people avoided Julia because she was prone to reaching out and touching heads for no reason.

“my friends are assholes.”

After the reading was over, Joe and Julia introduced themselves to a writer they enjoyed listening to. It went well as it usually does between Joe and Julia, because Joe was talented and famous, and Julia was pretty and aggressive. Julia was not actually so pretty, but had gotten very good at applying make up, and dressing in such a way that it was not visible that she was no longer skinny.

“second favorite girl in brooklyn, my friends are assholes,” Julia thought.

After the reading Julia, Robert, Joe and Joe’s roommate, Mike, went to get food. Julia talked to Mike and stared at the ground while they walked around Manhattan. Julia wanted very badly to go home, be alone, and masturbate before she went to sleep.

Julia was a lot of people’s second favorite girl in Brooklyn.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

For My Sammy Sam Sam

last night i did indeed, sleep with
your nightmares
i took 52 laser printed pages of them
into my room
i undressed

i carefully unpinned my long hair
then unbraided it
then combed my fingers
through the tangles
my eyes watered
while i sat on the edge of my bed
naked, ripping at two feet of
curly brown hair
with your 52 laser printed pages
of nightmares
clenched very tight between my
thighs

i laid down and pulled to comforter up
delores made a chirp when she jumped
on the bed
and curled up at my feet
i rolled to my side and pulled
your 52 laser printed page nightmare
up, and placed it between my breasts
mostly because i dont like when they touch while i sleep

i rolled on my side
and turned out the light
i felt immediately swarmed
panic fell wayside to sleep quickly

i allowed those little black ants
with the large abdomens, nest
in the soft piles of hair
i had readied for them
behind my head

i lied there
and waited to wake up
with your 52 page laser printed page nightmare
still acting as a cool and smooth
barrier between my
two large uncomfortable breasts

The Wall

I have a story at Dogmatika. It's called The Wall.

It's my favorite story that I wrote last year.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Lost Mah Damn Smell Phone

I left it in a cab.

I have a horrible memory.

The only phone number I can recall is my Mom's home phone number.

If we are friends, please email me your phone number with the email heading "phone number".

Thanks lil' buddies.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Join Us



Eileen Myles & Susan Sherman
Thursday, March 6, 6:30-8:30 p.m.
at The Telephone Bar & Grill – 149 Second Avenue btw 9th & 10th Streets



Young Mr. German and I are going to see this tonight. If you do indeed live in NYC, come join us. I intend to drink enough liquid confidence to have the courage to profess my love for Ms. Myles. It should be amusing for you. Oh yes, if I remember correctly, The Telephone Bar has excellent french fries. Oh Oh Oh, and I believe the lovely young Mr. Taylor will be joining us as well. Hurrah!

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Lunch Break

I turned to ask Janet if she was ready to get lunch. Janet was sitting with her nose touching the computer screen, screaming with her mouth closed. I was surprised that the muffled scream was so quiet. Her neck was red and her veins were bulging around her eyes.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Janet didn't answer. Janet pressed her nose further into the computer screen.

"Are you still collecting that product info? God, that must be a pain."

Janet screamed into her own bloated mouth again.

I noticed Janet was holding a scissors in her left fist. I decided that maybe I should go to lunch without Janet today.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Things My Dad Says + Dad Related Gmail Chat

"We spend the rest of our lives recovering from our families of origin."

"I'm really just selfish. Trying to save myself from the bowels of hell an' shit."
(in reference to the dentistry he does, 5 nights a week at a local free clinic that specializes in HIV positive patients, and his twice yearly trips to Ecuador to help children with cleft palates)

"I think I have only ever been madly in love with physics."
(his answer when I asked him if he had ever been in love)

------------------------------------------------------

James: yo yo

me: hi again

James: yes. you still at work?

me: naw
at home
just talked to dad for like an hour

James: how is your dad?

me: perfect
a perfect fucking human
god i adore him

James: he is quite ideal

me: sigh
i totes have an electra complex
no one will ever be as good as my dad

James: ha

me: ha ew
but true

James: a complex made fanatically more understandable by the actual wonderful nature of his personality

Monday, March 03, 2008

I Can Picture You Eating A Banana And Your Seventies Haircut

i told you your haircut looked medieval
you told me it was a seventies haircut
you touched your hair with your enormous hands
and bowed your head a bit
i felt a little ashamed myself

*

your hand looked like a monster's
in those gloves
i wrapped my whole hand around
just the thumb

*

on the train you smiled at me
and i smiled back
your head jerked away
you said to me while facing the other direction
"your smile intimidates me"
i smiled
you said it was "powerful"
i couldn't repress a smile after that
but it seemed like i should have

*

when you said
"lay on your back"
i was surprised at your directness
and when you thrust your hips at my face
i was surprised to see you look me in the eye
and when you pulled my hair, i was surprised all the same

*

lying sideways on the bed
you sang the first half of a cody chestnut verse
and i sang the second half
but then i ran out of words to sing
and the moment ended abruptly
i played your harmonica instead

*

right now
i can picture you sitting at the kitchen table
back hunched and awkward
eating a
banana

Poem Of The Weak -- Erotic Chapbooks

Zygote In My Coffee used a poem of mine in issue number 102.

Go read it now- Poem Of The Weak.

Side note- working on a sexy chapbook with a very special friend of mine, who shall remain nameless. Limited editions. Will most likely be fabricated next week. Check here for updates.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Maybe

As soon as the phone rang, I regretted calling him. I was hoping it would go to his answering machine. It did. I hung up without leaving a message. I poured more wine and lit a cigarette with the end of my previous one. The phone rang, it made me jump and spill my wine.

"Hey. Sorry, I was just walking in the door," Brian said to me.

"Oh its fine. How are you?"

"I fell on the ice today. And I was dancing by myself all night at a club last night. I'm sore."

"I'm sorry babe."

"What's wrong?"

I couldn't find the words to explain why I called quickly enough.

"There is something wrong, it's in your voice," he said.

"Yeah. I don't know. I just finished reading this fucked up novel about a prostitute. After I closed the book I felt . . . you're the only one I can tell this to . . . I felt the compulsion to masturbate. And I did. And after I cried so hard. I felt really ashamed or guilty or something like that . . . I felt like the way you feel after you masturbate when you are a child and you are still convinced you are doing something really wrong."

Brian didn't say anything.

"So I just felt compelled to call you. It's no big deal, I feel fine now, I just wanted to hear you talk or something, " I said to him.

"That's cool beb. I just got off of work."

"We've been friends almost as long as we dated now, isn't that wonderful?"

"Yeah, it's weird I almost called you a while ago, when I was waiting for the bus."

I thought about how right before we broke up, I promised Brian I would teach him how to drive, and how we never really got around to it. I take the bus every day, but the thought of Brian getting on the bus makes me feel guilty.

"I've been thinking about you all day. I have a lover sleeping in my room and he is tall and broad like you. The funniest things make me think about you," I said.

"Yeah, what's funny about that, is I think you are the only person who thinks of me as big."

"What?! You're huge! When I imagine you it is this image . . . this image of you with your arms spread wide for a hug, and you with your wing span taking up so much space, waiting for me."

"I think you are the only person who accurately remembers my physicality."

"Maybe."

Brian and I talked for about an hour. I wanted my friend near me. I wanted Brian to be on my couch, looking at me the way my brothers and sisters do, watching me talk, adoring me for no good reason at all, not wanting to cause me any harm whatsoever. I looked down at my hand and there is still a tiny groove where I wore a ring on my finger three years ago. I got from the couch and walked into my room to wake up my lover and fuck the living shit out of him.