Thursday, November 20, 2008

hypothetically what i have been doing lately (i love everyone)

I have not been blogging much, yes. Let me explain. Some times I am prone to disabling anxiety. From time to time the internet worsens this. When this happens I take mood stabilizer pills and avoid things that produce unnecessary worry. I try to do things that make me feel calm. Let me describe what I have been doing lately while not blogging.

I sleep until 10 am. I wake up and drink coffee and pet my cats and listen to music. It is usually something calm and instrumental because I like to write in the morning and if I listen to something with lyrics I get kind of confused. So usually its Chopin or Philip Glass or Yann Tiersen or the Dirty Three. If I don't feel like writing anything that morning I work on one of three things. I work on my poetry collection which I have decided to title Chasing Pigeons Makes Me Feel More Powerful, I edit the last three years of journals that I would like to see published within three years, or I work on my novel. After that I smoke a cigarette on the balcony and then go inside and take a shit. Then I take a shower and get ready for work.

At work when I first get there my coworkers usually tease me about whatever I am wearing because they all think I dress like a kindergarden teacher or a librarian or something and they are all into looking sexy. I work from 12 p.m. to 8 p.m.. If no one has called me then I go home right away. When I get home I text Kyle, Ari or John. If none of them want to come over or go out then the first thing I like to do is put on oldies music and drink wine. After that I like to pull out my cork collection (pictured above) and lay them all out and count them out loud while my cats watch and try to understand what I am doing. This makes me feel very good. It might be my favorite part of most days. Then I put my corks back in their jars and put them away because if I leave them out the cats will destroy them. If no one comes home yet I usually call my roommates to see if I should get more wine and or cigarettes for them. If they still dont come home I usually dance funny dances by myself until I am tired and then write in my journal. I write for 20 minutes to an hour, sometimes more. I started a new journal file, because the last one was too long and took forever to load. I love how fast my new journal loads. And it is making editing the old one much easier. After journaling I'm pretty drunk usually and either my roommates come home and we all sit around and talk and eat or I go to bed with my book and sometimes think about Trish for a bit, or I masturbate, or I just baby talk Delores. Then I read until I fall asleep.

If Kyle, Ari or John come over or want to go out it is different. Kyle comes over the most. With Kyle we smoke weed and listen to the Magnetic Fields or T.I. or Daniel Johnston and then we go to my room and have sex or if I am on my period we just make out and stuff. We have sex two or three times and then I usually want junk food so we go out and buy some. Then we come back and eat and take a shower together. We wash each other's hair and I compliment him too much but then I call him a hipster too much too and I think I send him confusing messages. We get out of the shower and he always teases me about how when a shower is over, I like to just stand soaking wet in the steam for a second or two holding the towel to my face but not drying myself. He says I am meditating. We go back to bed and have sex again. He likes to snuggle while we sleep but I dont so I wait until I hear him snore and then I push him away and roll over and think about things. If we go out instead we go to the bar where we met or the one he works at coat check and drink free beer and sometimes I buy us dinner somewhere, like the burger shop on B. We hold hands and stare at each other a lot and he likes to kiss in public but that makes me uncomfortable so I try to avoid it. We also like to dance in my kitchen occasionally.

If I am with Ari I like to meet him at his studio and hang out while he and his employees work on the show they make for TV. Then we all go and drink at a bar or two. We often talk about what 'went wrong' four years ago, and how we are happy that we are still friends. We also like to tell jokes. We like to make each other laugh. It becomes kind of contest-like after a while but it is good because being funny and laughing a lot is very important to me. Then when we are all very drunk and we go back to my house and have very intimate sex and he tells me he loves me and I sometimes cry after because he is very nurturing and allows me to feel vulnerable. Ari likes to give me back rubs before I fall asleep.

If I am with John I meet him at a bar with his friends and he talks about how he hasn't broken up with his girlfriend yet. We go to another bar where his friend is sleeping with the bar tender. We buy a lot of cocaine and get really high and he buys a cab after we make out in the bathroom, then we go to his house to have sex and snort cocaine off a pornographic magazine and listen to heavy metal music until its morning and he has to go to work. He tells me that he has to rock climb and train for a marathon so I wont see him for a few weeks and I feel good because after a night with John I dont want to see him for a while again.

There are some nights that after work I dont want to see anyone but I dont want to go home so I go to this little french cafe on Avenue A that I like. The owner is always there. He likes me and always feeds me for free and my glass of rose wine is never never empty. They play good cute music there like Air or Belle & Sebastian. I talk to him and read my book and then sometimes if I am in the right mood I write poetry in a note book that I always keep in my purse. Those are usually the poems that end up on my blog. When I am there I call text or email Leigh Stein, who is my friend, and for some reason being there makes me think of her. We always have to plan hanging out a few days or a week in advance because we have a hard time getting together. I stay there until I am drunk and tired, then go home and count my corks before I go to bed.

On the weekends it is the same, although sometimes exciting things happen, like I see a horror movie by myself or I go to criminal court with Kyle because he tends to get arrested often.


Alicia Pernell said...

hm. i always thought you were a lesbian.

barack obama said...

i liked this a lot

prathna lor said...

this is nice

Justin Rands said...


Darby said...

I like that the word bar tender became two words.

Also, Chopin and Philip Glass. Yep.

Colin Bassett said...

kendra, you are great

and sort of amazing

Kendra Grant Malone said...


sometimes im a lesbian. depends on my mood. i like girls better, but it is harder to meet pretty girls for me.

barack, prathna, justin, darby and colin,

thank you. i love you.

Alicia Pernell said...

oh and, by the way kendra, you are fantastic as always.

ryan manning said...

existentially required

Leigh Stein said...


i don't think we've ever discussed our mutual love for yann tierson.

let's eat some tater tots together post-thanksgiving.


leigh stein

(ohmygod my word verification is HOEPORE, which is like hope and whore in one)

Meggie said...

reading this post is very comforting to me, which is why i keep doing it.

pb said...

this is really lovely.

Mike Bushnell said...

i know what you mean about the disabling anxiety. I hope how it is a weird sensation in regards to blogging. I miss it here.