Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Love Your Friends And Not Your Lovers

I haven't been writing much fiction lately. However, I am an avid journaler. I write every day. Most of it is for my journal. I took out names, aside from Nicole (whom has given me permission to use it), so as not to make particular people feel uncomfortable.


March 23, 2008

**** has been and gone. It was nice having him here. After a few days though, I needed to be alone. He clearly wanted to try to be in a relationship with me. Last night we talked in bed all night long about this. There is not much to say but the obvious. I don’t want a relationship. Things were resolved well though. And I am relieved to have my bed to myself tonight.

I’ve been working on a story where I mostly write about *** or ***. I worry that I might make either of them uncomfortable. They are both understanding, forgiving people though. It seems alright.

March 25, 2008

I just talked to ***** on the phone. It is a little after midnight. I’ve been reading Jane Eyre all night, since I got home from work. He called me after I moved from the couch to my bed, hoping to sleep soon. He was walking home from work and was just moved to call me then. We talked about his moving to New York. He has been researching the area I live in obsessively and all the train stops near me. We have decided on September. It’s a ways away but I think that is good. I would feel terribly uncomfortable having any lovers while he is here, so I would like to get that out of my system over the summer. I’m not sure what to think about this. Maybe think is an improper word. Feel is better maybe. I keep telling friends “I’m so fucked,” in reference to the situation. ***** has complete control over me. There is nothing I can imagine saying ‘no’ to that he could ask for. He told me tonight that he has a big gig on Thursday and that he would like to call me after. I told him that would be great.

*** is having a party this Friday. I’m going to ask ****** to come with me. I feel like he would fit in very well with my friends.

Delores is also relieved to have my bed back. Recently, she has been sleeping very close to me.

March 31, 2008

I’m drinking vodka and coconut water. At first it tasted terrible, but it’s growing on me. I have been very good lately about cutting back my drinking habits. However tonight I have horrible hay fever and I just want a nightcap to help me feel soft enough to get to sleep.

Nicole is sitting on the floor besides me, transcribing her interviews for her paper. She is wearing pajamas and is sitting unashamed, curled over herself with her legs spread wide around her computer. She is so fucking graceful no matter what she is doing. It’s really getting astounding how well we get along.

Again, life has gone back to being fairly calm lately. Not much to write about. It is my sister’s birthday tomorrow. That is the most eventful thing I can think of.

I’ve been having elicit sex dreams often. I had one about *** not long ago, and more recently I had another dream about *****. I haven’t had one about him since we worked together at the warehouse. I also have sex dreams about girls frequently as well. Most recently about *******.

**** and I are starting a magazine together. Its called LOVELESS, and it’s a pornographic poetry magazine. I have to say, it was his idea. He had wanted to start one for a while, and it came up in conversation and seemed like a good fit for us. So we’ve been writing people and soliciting for the first issue. I feel really confident so far. We have a lot to do yet, though.

April 8, 2008

I have been feeling edgy and agitated frequently lately. Today on the train ride home it overwhelmed me. I was feeling irritated by small and natural things that should not annoy a person, like the way my hair touched my neck was driving me insane. The feeling became so severe that I had to put down the book I was reading, because I couldn’t concentrate on anything but how physically upset I felt. I’m feeling much better right now. When I came home, Nicole was taking a nap and woke up and sat with me immediately. We’ve been sitting at the kitchen table and talking about various subjects for over three hours and I feel content.

She educates me. And listens to me. We talk about so many things. Ranging from our personal emotions to our interest in social justice to feminism, to sexual fetishism, to well, basically an endless variety of thing. Dinner. Clean socks. Hair styles. How movies affect us. I do not exaggerate when I say that our conversations could go on for much longer than they do from day to day. I feel panicked if she is gone when I get home. I long for Nicole’s affection and time constantly. I’ve been wondering lately if I am in love with her. She is so physically attractive to me and I admire her mind. She keeps my thoughts always occupied and challenged, better than anyone else I’ve ever met. We kissed passionately this weekend. It was her birthday and she bought a photobooth session for us and I insisted we make out for our last picture. We were not particularly drunk and we kissed much longer than we needed to for the photograph. I can’t explain my adoration for my little Nicole. She has been the light of my day as of late. I wait to see her. I look at our photobooth picture often during the day. She constantly compliments me and raises my self-esteem. She is grateful for any compliment I give her or any time or commodity I share with her, although she thinks nothing of offering me the same. Nicole is precious. She is wild and tenacious. She can’t be owned. I want to own her though. I want to keep her in my arms, safe and happy. I want to worship her. I called ***** very conflicted with these feelings yesterday. He told me that he didn’t see me as a lesbian. That was not the issue for me. She defies gender to me. Nicole is a refuge in my life and I want to be a refuge in hers. I don’t know if that is romance, but it is most decidedly love. The companionship of women often does not require the necessity of definite role-playing. We are friends. But I love my friend and I feel content.

**** is coming to stay with me again soon. It will be nice to be held and adored. We are happy together.

I am drunk.

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