Saturday, January 12, 2008

Nothing Makes Me Feel Less Lonely

I listened to my roommates talk. It was strange to see them in a bar. We had never been to a bar before. They met me at a bar because I was house sitting for my sister and I think they worried that I was lonely. That was nice because I was indeed lonely. I had only left the house once to walk the dogs. My eyelids felt very heavy all day.

Nicole looked amazing in the red light. Brynn had a delicate way about her from across the table. When we all talked about what kind of women we were attracted to I blushed when I said that I was only attracted to women who looked a little like me. Nicole was sitting very close, and does look a little like me. I love Nicole. I love Brynn too.

We all spoke of so many things. Mostly, we talked about boys. I had nothing to say. They traded stories about recent STD scares, and romantic phone calls from the tops of moutains and I smiled and nodded. What I did not realize would happen when I decided to resign myself to love was that I had now very little to add to most casual conversations. It was nice to just be in the company of people who wanted to be around me. The thought of it brought me near tears now and again, but I don’t think they noticed.

“I wish you would come home tonight,” Nicole said to me.

She was standing too close to me. I backed up.

“I do to kind of.”

She stepped closer to me.

“I think I’m going to start a small press.”

She shook her head and stepped closer.

“I admire how you constantly work on things.”

“What else should I be doing?”

“People find things to do.”

“I’m just finding something to do I suppose.”

“Do you want me to come over hon?”

“Yes, but I have a sad friend who asked me to write a story for her and I think I finally know what I am going to write to her.”

“Okay, goodnight.”


I wanted her to come home. I wanted her to sleep in bed with me. I went to my sister’s house and wrote a story for my sad friend. Then I masturbated and drank myself to sleep.

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