Saturday, March 18, 2006

I play coy with myself.

From the get go this morning I felt so heavy. Like my face is melting and my heart is a molten rock. Nothing new today. No reason, no. There is simply not a cell of happiness in my whole body today. The only thing that I can think of that gives me any sort of obscure satisfaction is the idea of being sewn to the earth by blue thread. Don't know why, it just keeps popping up in my head and gives me this momentary relief.

I have to back to set today. Finish my goddamned film. Fuck. I've been so excited all week to shoot this. Now, today, I just want to start walking, in any direction, and keep walking until I get somewhere that makes me stop, like an ocean or succumbing to heat exhaustion in the desert. Yes, I like that last one. It seems like that would be just what I want today. I want my hair in my eyes, sand in my mouth, and the likely hood of dying where it is warm. So I take it back, there are two things that are satisfying to think about today. But they both entail me being alone, which is not on the agenda.

I'm in a tangenty mood. On other days when I've had this sort of funk, I like to find a blanket to pull over my head and a beam of sunlight to bathe in. Oh man does that do the trick. Sometimes I like to pretend that I am someone else under the blanket and I am with me and we are in some sort of love. That would be the best. Like anybody else, love is something that sounds nice to me. So much comfort in that, comfort, comfort, comfort. But now a days, I really don’t want anyone else to love me. It’s just so much pressure. I know what about me to appreciate, and knowing that makes me feel good, like someone has complimented me. I make myself blush. I play coy with myself. Narcissism is a lovely gift. I don’t know how I acquired it but lovely it is. Obtaining comfort in ones self is the most solid comfort one can get.

I don't need you to love me. And the older I get, I'm not sure that I want you to either.

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