Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Why I am avoiding making my film.

I graduate in May. In May, a week before my 22nd birthday, I will be a grown up. I hope to leave Minneapolis, but who knows. New York sounds good. Italy sounds good too. But before that happens, I have to produce my thesis film. I have equipment, crew, and a grant. Everything is set. But like last semester, I get cold sweats upon thinking of my film set.

Last spring was the last time I worked on a film set. It was my best friend's final film. I was excited for weeks about working on it. I was prepared to be his right hand girl, first AD and creative consultant. Life was keen.

The night before the first shooting date, I was dumped over the phone. The dumper was playing the protagonist of the film. He refused to talk to me. It was sudden, without much to see that it was coming. That night I drove 45 minuets south, to climb a bluff that I had once climbed, to clear my head, seeing that I couldn't quite filter that whom at the time (in my feeble mind's eye) was the love of my life, had just left me for what I suspected to be another girl. I reached the halfway point of the bluff and realized that the hike was too much, especially while I was screaming and crying like a mad woman. I sat, tore off my jacket, and my sweater, my scarf and all of my jewelry. I lay back on the slope, only halfway where I wanted to be and stared at the stars through my breath wearing just a grey t-shirt and a white hat with a fuzzy ball on the top. I lay like that for almost an hour before I remembered the film, and went home determined to get some sleep for the next day.

Like a soldier, trudged on. I found some sleeping pills at home from when I had a bit of a sleeping problem a few years past, popped them, and slept through the next day. On set the next day I was surprised to see that the ex had made the same desision to be there and was horrified. I was hoping he would be a no show and we would replace him or rap set. Needless to say, I didn't last long. It was too much to take, the stress of the set, and sitting next to him on the couch getting only small talk. He put his hand on my leg to comfort me and I lost it. As I was running out in tears, an angel by the name of Ben, said to me "Look whatever has got you down kid, its not going to last forever."

I bailed. Walked to my car (quiet a distance) quivering with sobs. That was my last set experience. That is all I can think of when I think of film sets.

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