November 7, 2005
Lately I have been a little obsessed with my brother, Shawny. I think I might finally go visit his grave tomorrow, seeing that I get all of my homework done. I have been tracking it down for quite some time, which hasn’t been easy because it is very difficult to talk to my family about it. When I ask I get short answers, which are usually wrong. Its been on my mind for a little over a year now, but I’ve finally found it at Hillside cemetery and I am resolved to see it before it gets to cold to linger there. I plan to go alone, so I don’t feel inhibited. I am quite scared and excited to see what happens to me. This boy has been a part of my life in the most abstract of ways for as long as I can remember. I don’t ever remember a part of my life in which I didn’t know of his previous existence. It’ll be nice to actually make him tangible for the first time.
I have very recently discovered from my sister that he is buried in a plot next to Terry, my mother’s predecessor/sister. It’s funny that for so long I thought that my condition was so very unique, when really my history is so freakishly similar to my mother’s. It is very disquieting to me to know this. I used to have a place in this world and family, as the replacement baby, the miracle child, but now I have this vague feeling that I am neither. I wonder sometimes if my mother has thought this about herself when I was born.
Speaking of other replacement children, it is my brother’s birthday on Wednesday and I need to call him. I haven’t talked to him in months, and I miss him very much. I hope I can get through to him, as his line is often disconnected. I hope he is happy.
I was in a car accident today.
November 8, 2005
I didn’t go to Hillside today. I got caught up in a homework assignment that was a lot more comprehensive than I thought it might be. That is only half true. I guess if I really wanted to go, I could have, considering I was on Myspace for a couple hours today. Hopefully I’ll have the guts to go soon…
I’m developing feelings for Peter again. Last night we stayed up until 1:30 playing phase 10 on my bed. We didn’t even move for like, three hours (except when Peter went and paid for our food). It was beautiful. I kept catching myself staring at him, and then he would catch me and I would try not to look to love-struck. I would jump right back into a relationship with him, but I think it’s for the best right now to build an amazing friendship. It’s funny how just the option of sex changes everything between two people.
There is a storm brewing tonight. It has dropped at least six or so degrees outside and the wind is blowing so fiercely that Katrina’s door keeps rapping across the hall. Delores is just sitting on the windowsill looking out in amazement. I wonder what she thinks is happening. She looks so lovely sitting there with her back arched and her tail moving spastically.
It’s Juan’s birthday tomorrow. I think it’ll always feel weird calling him Juan.