Monday, November 21, 2005

I am a walking memorial for a five-year-old boy. (Goodbye precious)

I often wonder what my mother thought before she fell asleep, the day Shawny died. I don't know much about the details of that day (or any details about him at all, its very hard to get my family to talk about him), but I do know that, that night my mother fell asleep early and slept for a very long time. I worry that she might think what I think. I think that my mother's sons are all jinxed. One dead at five, one suicidal for most of his life and one mentally retarded. I can gather that she probably regrets giving him leave to go sledding at his friend’s house. I can also gather that she has probably thought about what life would be like if she said no. I bet she has thought about why she didn't ask if someone was going to be watching them. But what I really want to know is what was the last thing she said to him. Probably "Goodbye precious". I like to fancy that she said "Sweetie, I love you.... in two years I'm going to have extensive surgeries to bare the daughter that will replace you, who will obsesses about you, and think about you everyday for her entire life"

I always thought it was fitting that my birthday usually falls on Memorial Day weekend.

I have never been sledding.

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